The month of January. It felt like i’ve been to hell and back. Tormenting thoughts day and night till i could take it no more. No more hope, no more joy, no more life. Regrets, worries, fears, pain and sorrow all at once. Words cannot describe the pain. It was a pain that caught up with me from years past. I knew that if i will go on like that i will eventually die. My heart was racing as if in one moment it would explode in my chest. My mind was bombarded with negative thoughts. Lies and accusations against God, asking tough questions: “where were You when this happened?””if you are so good then why didn’t you stop that person from hurting me?” “If you love me so much then why am i hurting?” “How can i trust you with my future if i was hurt in the past?” “God, it seems like i am living someone else’s life. Is this what You call love?” “I don’t understand a thing about how to live this life”.
And the pain was screaming louder and louder each day “He is not good. He doesn’t love you. He’s cruel. You can’t trust Him”.
There was one point i could literally hear dozens of voices accusing God and myself. I would put my head on the pillow at night only to hear them louder and louder. You know, it would’ve been easy to shut these voices and say “God is good” if i was successful and had an easy life. “Of course God is good. Just look at my life and how blessed i am.” This would’ve been my easy answer. (I am blessed btw). But my experience said something else. My painful experiences were screaming at me “Just curse God and die, His goodness is just a figment of your imagination. Everything is a big scam!”
And this tormenting cycle would go on and on day and night. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. I was like a walking zombie devoid of life. My hair was falling out from the stress. My hands and legs would get numb because of lack of sleep. Words cannot describe the hell i experienced. There were moments i even wondered if this is the end of my life, and sometimes i wished i would die because i couldn’t take it anymore.
Then one night at 3 AM as i lay in bed agonizing i began feeling really sick. I knew if i was to continue like this I had to either call the ambulance or end up dieing. I was on a slippery slope. It was a crossroads for me. And i had met some people who never recovered after going through something like this. I knew this was the moment when i either choose life or i choose death. I tried dealing with this on my own. Prayed, worshipped, declared Scripture, you name it. I did it all. I realized i can’t fight this on my own and i need my spiritual family to stand by me. So i woke up my room mate to pray for me. She did and somehow i managed to sleep a few hours. I woke up feeling the same. Very sick. I decided in my heart that no matter what i’ve been through, no matter what may come in life, if i want to live i have to rise up and accept the life i’ve been given. Good or bad, painful or not, it’s my life and i am going to live it. No more fears, no more regrets, no more worries. I decided in that moment that no matter how much it hurts, my default line is: “God, you are good and that’s the end of it. I will NOT question Your love for me. The CROSS IS ENOUGH EVIDENCE and that settles it”. I got out of bed, went into the bathroom, i looked at myself in the mirror and shouted “Rise up! Rise up! Rise up Cristina!!!” I took a good look at myself then told myself: “Whatever this is, i am waging war!!! If i doubted so much His goodness i will dare to believe for even more than before, and if He doesn’t turn out to be as good, at least i tried. Nothing can be worse than this.” Then i went back into my room, knelt before God and said “You are good. I can’t feel it. I can’t see it but i choose to believe it.” Then i turned to the enemy and screamed at the top of my lungs “Get away from me Satan!!! You will never have me!!! I belong to Jesus and that’s it!!! Get away from me!!!”
After this i literally felt the fear, anxiety and panic go away. It was like a heavy blanked that lifted. And peace rested on my heart on my mind and on my body. I felt like Heaven kissed Earth in that moment. It was a peace that passed all my understanding that was waging war against me. The voices became more distant until silence settled in. The questions had no power anymore. Nothing mattered anymore but His presence.
Something shifted in my heart during that war. Something changed that will never be the same.
I am free.
“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. ” 2 Timothy 1:7