Why is my life so crazy? Why do I live like a snail? Always living at people’s houses, carrying around my suitcases and feeling like I’m a burden to people? I would have loved to bless people instead of being a burden to them. It’s been so hard to ask for support ($), a place to stay, a meal, a bed….a home.
Let me start with the beginning. I want you guys to understand why I feel like I am like a snail. I have traveled more than other people can relate to. Ever since I was 17 years old I’ve been living in other countries. Worked in Hungary in the summer when I was 17, 18, went to Greece when I was 18, 19, back to Hungary again for 6 months, moved to America when I was 21 in 2005, did a year long music ministry traveling in 22+ states (moved from town to town every other or 3 days), 3 months in Germany, 2 weeks Romania, 2 weeks Poland, then back to the States, then moved to Texas after that in 2006 when the year was over, after one month moved to Iowa, then 6 months later to Kansas City, then back to Iowa for 3 years, and even there moved about 4 times, then back to Romania this year in May, to Cluj to my parents, then to my grandma, then to my parents, then to Bazna, and then went to camp for a week, then back to Bazna (lived in 3 different places there too). In the past 9 years I haven’t had a home that I can call MY HOME. Don’t get me wrong, people have been amazing to me, and they’ve tried their best to make me feel at home and I will be forever grateful!!! But the deal is, i never know when it’s time to move again. So I guess I’m writing this blog about being at home. These past few weeks this pilgrim life has finally gotten to me. This is why I’ve struggled lately.
The Lord had called me to be apart of the House of Prayer in Bazna, Romania I don’t know in what capacity yet, but my hearts desire is to help with the music, especially singing and maybe helping lead young adults. We’ll see where the need places me.
So after I moved to Bazna I stayed at the House of Prayer building, but then I helped at a camp for a week (read below how that went). I went back to Bazna after camp, and after a 6 hour van drive in the heat with no air conditioning I had a bad headache, was exhausted and frustrated. The place we found for rent before camp didn’t work out, so that afternoon I had to walk around and look for another place. I was so upset. I felt so alone and abandoned (don’t get me wrong everyone tried to help as much as they could). One of the BHOP girls, Daniela, helped me look for a place that afternoon. I broke down crying because I didn’t understand what the Lord was doing. I felt like a stranger. I knew my issue was with me and God though. I’ve been looking with the help of many people at BHOP for a month but couldn’t find anything that worked for us. I asked Daniela to pray for me, because I couldn’t take the pressure. The Body of Christ is so awesome 🙂 I ended up staying at her house for a few days. I remember going to her house and just laying on her bed and crying. Then I realized that the Lord had given me a place to lay my head down that moment and night, and He had provided me with a meal, so I can’t really complain. I started trusting Him more as He opened my eyes to see that He is there with me, working everything out for my good. I was so faithless that it took this situation to expose it. After that I didn’t feel like a stranger anymore.
One night I lead worship for Daniela and I (love small crowds :)) and I was singing out of Psalm 27
“One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.”
In the Romanian translation it goes something like this: ” One thing I ask the Lord, and that I hotly desire”. I sang to Him how I desire to live in His House because that’s where I feel safe…and I feel at home. Then I heard the Lord say: ” One thing I ask of you, and that I hotly desire: to live in YOUR House Cristina”. I was so shocked, because I understood He was talking to me about my heart. He desires to live in me, every part of my heart. He wants to feel at home in me. I have heard this passage over and over again, and how David desired to live in His house, but I never thought about the fact that the reason why David desired it is because God desires it first. All the passages talking about God wanting to dwell with us and in us like Jesus’ prayer in the garden for the Father to be in us, us in Jesus, and the whole pretzel reality of the Trinity came to life in that moment. I could feel the jealousy and hot desire of the Lord to have me completely. I cried and cried because I felt so loved and wanted! So I told Him that even if I will never get to have a place to live just to have a home in Him is enough for me, and that He is always welcome in my home! It was a divine moment that I’ll never forget!!! Then I understood that this is the fellowship of His suffering, and if I don’t suffer like he suffered I won’t understand Him a lot deeper and His love for me, and because I don’t understand His love for me I won’t be able to love Him more. When He reveals His heart to us through suffering it’s almost like we become part of Him. It’s hard to explain and maybe one day I’ll have the words, but I just love it. I love fellowshipping with Him this way!!!
The bottom line is this. I am a stranger in this earth and I am looking for my permanent home with Jesus. I cannot have any expectations in this age. This is not what I signed up for. I signed up to know and love Jesus.
God exposed the real desire in me: to live with God my Father, Jesus my Bridegroom and the Holy Spirit my Helper forever under Jesus’ leadership. This is home for me. This is where I belong.
Lighthouse Camp in Buteni, Romania
How did that go? Amazing! There were a few rough days for me in the beginning, and it was mostly because of my inner issues, but after I got over that hump I could finally enjoy the kids. Let me just say that it was one of the biggest fights for me, since it was about my identity, future, calling, who God is…etc. Basically I ended up asking God if He desires that we all fail so that He can show Himself Big and Great and stuff like that. The conclusion I ended up with in my mind did not match up with the truth I knew about God. He is not the God of failure. I am. And I knew that the God I knew was a God of love, kindness, compassion. He is my friend who was always there for me, and HE LOVES ME!!! He is a GOOD God, who has a plan and He is in control. He is my Shepherd! So I spoke against those negative thoughts in my head, and it was like huge rocks fell off of my shoulders. I felt free and joyful. My countenance had changed as well 🙂 I could smile and joke around. Before, when those thoughts were flying around in my head I couldn’t even talk to people. Oh, the truth that sets us free!!!!
But the most amazing thing the Lord did in this camp was about 3 girls. Maria and Liana are the girls who were part of my small group and who, by the end of the camp gave their life to Jesus! They come from orthodox families, and their salvation is a big deal because most of the population in Romania is orthodox. Maria sang at the talent show a traditional Romanian song. She has an amazing voice. She said she used to sing ever since she is a little girl at shows and she won prizes and such. I was so proud of her! Liana was the shyest girl I’ve ever met. As I talked to her and tried to minister to her I never knew how it affected her or if I said the right things, but in the end her tears said it all. She desired Jesus!! Mihaela is the other girl the Lord put on my heart. She wasn’t in my group, but one night as I was going around to pray for the kids she caught my eye, and I went over to her. As I prayed I grew so fond of her. The next days in camp we grew closer and closer and I got to see her beautiful heart. The last night of camp we had the campfire and as I said goodbye to the kids I saw her sitting by herself on the bench. Lots of kids came up to me and asked for my contact info, and I wanted to go over to talk to her one last time, but by the time I was done with the kids she wasn’t there anymore. So I went to look for her but couldn’t find her anywhere. I decided to look in the cabins thinking that she might’ve gone to bed. I was afraid that something was wrong with her. I went looking and I found her curled up in her bed crying. She had a bad stomach ache, and she said that she had them ever since she was a little girl. I ran and got Jesse (who lead the camp) and Amanda (camp assistant) and we prayed for her. She got completely healed in 10 minutes, and came outside to enjoy the campfire. She had so much energy i couldn’t hold her down!!! We’ve been keeping in touch and hopefully some day I’ll be able to go visit her.
The end 🙂 but not yet 🙂